[It is barbarous. A normal thought for Hayame, coming as she did from a world in which only tribes unconquered by the Yamato court, those considered uncivil and primitive, still kept to the culture of facial hair. But it is... slightly less barbarous than she thought. If one gave consideration to... different worlds and... apparently other cultures, in which such things were instead considered distinguished or signs of manhood. ... Apparently.
... And it is. So stupid. Ignoring the obvious. But-
She knew she would not be able to, but she still cannot stop herself from blushing the moment Set breaks the unspoken false ignorance between them and says aloud that he knew she and Claude were... intimate. Had been, for months now, since the island of Xanadu. And in all those months... She had not told Set. She had not told Akua. She had not told Liem until she had been calling him a liar and realized she must make herself not one if she wished to throw that insult at his feet and have it actually mean something, coming from a woman who was not one. Was it... She just hadn't known. How to say it like a "normal" person. How to conduct herself in public with a lover. How to even admit to herself... that perhaps having one did not make her less of a warrior and more of the woman she had spent all her life trying not to be.
Her hands keep moving, but she can't... She can't reply that fast. She folds one of her own robes, a breast-binding sarashi cloth, a bedsheet, before-]
Of course, I would not underestimate your senses...
[But if she didn't say it out loud... and he did not say it out loud...]
- He is a warrior, too, you know. A splendid archer. A skilled rider. A commander of an army.
[A king, too, but. That part still seems unreal to her, and it also doesn't quite count to answer this charge. More importantly, why is she even defending... (Wait, did being called a diplomat need defending, like it was an insult or a character flaw? Maybe, look, it's complicated, everything about this is so...) Her hands have lost their momentum, slowly grown awkward and still in a half-folded pillowcase. ... Should she apologize, for keeping it from him? "Friends" would not, would they? Should she... be angry, at the insinuation that she might allow someone, let alone a man, to change her? But he has, and she isn't that stupid, she knows he has and she must pray it is for the better and not the weaker, but... What... He did not want... and she...]
I did not... know how to say it.
[She will admit that. It was foolish, when she knew Set must at least suspect, but she had just wanted... Before she could understand her own feelings, even be sure of what the hell it was she was doing, she could not easily put it into words to tell another, even if they were also close to her. Even if... they were part of the reason she had what she did now. Her fingers tighten in the pillowcase. If he had just said "No, it's not a problem if you can't get drunk on human liquors"... ! But no, now she must be clear when she says]
I would never let any man force me to be anything I am not.
no subject
... And it is. So stupid. Ignoring the obvious. But-
She knew she would not be able to, but she still cannot stop herself from blushing the moment Set breaks the unspoken false ignorance between them and says aloud that he knew she and Claude were... intimate. Had been, for months now, since the island of Xanadu. And in all those months... She had not told Set. She had not told Akua. She had not told Liem until she had been calling him a liar and realized she must make herself not one if she wished to throw that insult at his feet and have it actually mean something, coming from a woman who was not one. Was it... She just hadn't known. How to say it like a "normal" person. How to conduct herself in public with a lover. How to even admit to herself... that perhaps having one did not make her less of a warrior and more of the woman she had spent all her life trying not to be.
Her hands keep moving, but she can't... She can't reply that fast. She folds one of her own robes, a breast-binding sarashi cloth, a bedsheet, before-]
Of course, I would not underestimate your senses...
[But if she didn't say it out loud... and he did not say it out loud...]
- He is a warrior, too, you know. A splendid archer. A skilled rider. A commander of an army.
[A king, too, but. That part still seems unreal to her, and it also doesn't quite count to answer this charge. More importantly, why is she even defending... (Wait, did being called a diplomat need defending, like it was an insult or a character flaw? Maybe, look, it's complicated, everything about this is so...) Her hands have lost their momentum, slowly grown awkward and still in a half-folded pillowcase. ... Should she apologize, for keeping it from him? "Friends" would not, would they? Should she... be angry, at the insinuation that she might allow someone, let alone a man, to change her? But he has, and she isn't that stupid, she knows he has and she must pray it is for the better and not the weaker, but... What... He did not want... and she...]
I did not... know how to say it.
[She will admit that. It was foolish, when she knew Set must at least suspect, but she had just wanted... Before she could understand her own feelings, even be sure of what the hell it was she was doing, she could not easily put it into words to tell another, even if they were also close to her. Even if... they were part of the reason she had what she did now. Her fingers tighten in the pillowcase. If he had just said "No, it's not a problem if you can't get drunk on human liquors"... ! But no, now she must be clear when she says]
I would never let any man force me to be anything I am not.
[... Not anymore, anyway.]