[Loyalty is complicated, Akua says, but it makes Hayame want to scream, to rail against the idea that this had to be true. Why could it not be simple, as she had always been taught that it was? But the loyalty she had been bred and raised for had been the loyalty of a slave and a master, a warrior and a lord, not the bond between equals that Akua talks about now, the one that is complicated and gray and far more overwhelming than she wishes it to be.
She had condemned those who had left Meridian for doing that- for betraying Meridian, because that is the way of the warrior she had always known. Because she valued duty, and honor, and vows. Because, "Evil" or not, anyone fighting for Zenith was essentially fighting to destroy or abandon her world. But in her hearts she knew that she was far more angry that Liem had betrayed her. That he had left her. That she and her strength and her companionship had not been enough to keep him beside her. Just like her words weren't enough to sway Amos, like her offerings and his blessing weren't enough to keep Set from gallivanting with all of her enemies, like their pact wasn't enough to stop Akua from trying to convince her not to take her revenge when she could.
None of it was enough.
She would deny that she was so self-important as to think she should be the most important person in every life, but she wanted... she wanted to be chosen. Was that wrong to want? Was that so against the idea of loyalty or friends? She wanted them to choose her when it came down to one or the other, as pathetic as that desire was, and these last weeks... Set had chosen Silco. Amos had chosen Yima. Liem had chosen Zenith. Akua had chosen Sebastian. At least, that is how it had felt to her in the moment, hot with the fury that always flickered inside of her, ready to roar to life all too easily.
(One person had offered to choose her. To be her ally no matter what. To care for her, to love her... but she had run from them into the dark of the roots, because as much as she craved it... How could she trust in it? How could she accept it?)
Hayame thinks of so many things to say to keep arguing with Akua. There are so many protests that come to mind as the other woman speaks, lines she almost throws out to justify her position, to defend her thinking. "They betrayed me", "I never said everyone in Zenith was evil"... How was she supposed to believe that a friend could be someone who killed you, not once, but twice? Akua says the other woman trapped her, and used her, and yet-]
And what if I do not like it, Akua?
[Being challenged... Seeing things differently...]
Am I to take every attempt to murder me as an overture of friendship? Every betrayal as an offer to grow?
[She knows she is being obtuse. Contrary. She does. But she's just so... so upset. She has tried to mask it with only fury, to disguise it beneath anger so no one will see, but she is upset, she is tired, and-
Akua is here. Akua had come to check on her. To call her a friend, even though she had vexed her so, and she...
Something seems to deflate in her, then. Despite her towering height, a half ton of muscle, and power enough to crush a man's skull in one hand... Hayame feels small and ignorant, stunted by her upbringing's lack of anything to do with caring. She is tired, too, exhausted by the rage and the loss of the Oracle, and...
Her hand slaps against the wall of her stall. Her forehead follows, rubbing into the line of her knuckles. Her eye closes, her lips twist... but she won't do it. She won't. She has cried more in the last month than she has in a lifetime.]
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She had condemned those who had left Meridian for doing that- for betraying Meridian, because that is the way of the warrior she had always known. Because she valued duty, and honor, and vows. Because, "Evil" or not, anyone fighting for Zenith was essentially fighting to destroy or abandon her world. But in her hearts she knew that she was far more angry that Liem had betrayed her. That he had left her. That she and her strength and her companionship had not been enough to keep him beside her. Just like her words weren't enough to sway Amos, like her offerings and his blessing weren't enough to keep Set from gallivanting with all of her enemies, like their pact wasn't enough to stop Akua from trying to convince her not to take her revenge when she could.
None of it was enough.
She would deny that she was so self-important as to think she should be the most important person in every life, but she wanted... she wanted to be chosen. Was that wrong to want? Was that so against the idea of loyalty or friends? She wanted them to choose her when it came down to one or the other, as pathetic as that desire was, and these last weeks... Set had chosen Silco. Amos had chosen Yima. Liem had chosen Zenith. Akua had chosen Sebastian. At least, that is how it had felt to her in the moment, hot with the fury that always flickered inside of her, ready to roar to life all too easily.
(One person had offered to choose her. To be her ally no matter what. To care for her, to love her... but she had run from them into the dark of the roots, because as much as she craved it... How could she trust in it? How could she accept it?)
Hayame thinks of so many things to say to keep arguing with Akua. There are so many protests that come to mind as the other woman speaks, lines she almost throws out to justify her position, to defend her thinking. "They betrayed me", "I never said everyone in Zenith was evil"... How was she supposed to believe that a friend could be someone who killed you, not once, but twice? Akua says the other woman trapped her, and used her, and yet-]
And what if I do not like it, Akua?
[Being challenged... Seeing things differently...]
Am I to take every attempt to murder me as an overture of friendship? Every betrayal as an offer to grow?
[She knows she is being obtuse. Contrary. She does. But she's just so... so upset. She has tried to mask it with only fury, to disguise it beneath anger so no one will see, but she is upset, she is tired, and-
Akua is here. Akua had come to check on her. To call her a friend, even though she had vexed her so, and she...
Something seems to deflate in her, then. Despite her towering height, a half ton of muscle, and power enough to crush a man's skull in one hand... Hayame feels small and ignorant, stunted by her upbringing's lack of anything to do with caring. She is tired, too, exhausted by the rage and the loss of the Oracle, and...
Her hand slaps against the wall of her stall. Her forehead follows, rubbing into the line of her knuckles. Her eye closes, her lips twist... but she won't do it. She won't. She has cried more in the last month than she has in a lifetime.]