[How disgusting, that she was supposed to be a warrior and yet one of her first thoughts is “do I have an alibi?” If that demon came investigating if the culprit could have been her, would happenstance have positioned her at the Legionary training grounds in view of dozens of soldiers who could testify as to her distance from Highstorm and corrupted shards, or had she been asleep at home in Alenroux with no one but a lover’s claim to rely upon?
She wanted to think she’d gotten stronger since then. She’d forced herself to study those meridian magics better, she’d scoured the markets and ateliers of Springstar until she found an amulet claimed to detect the presence of such beings, at least generally, but-
For a moment she’s right back there. Struggling, bucking, sweating cold as a being somehow infinitely faster and stronger than a jinba dangled her eyeball (no, no it was green, a different one, it wasn’t hers-) in front of her empty socket as he smiled and assured her he would never kill her.
Not when he could make her suffer. She’d thought a lot since that day what that would mean. If continuing to seek her revenge… or even just fighting against one of the most powerful Zenites in a bid to return home might result in more pain, further disfigurement, or worse… death to the few people she cared about.
She’d imagined Liem’s blood on her hands before, but not like-]
I told you what he did and you still- You still thought this wise to do?
The shards were destined for specific hands. Whoever was in his was someone from his own world, someone he knew.
[And now that person, along with whoever had been in his other shard, was gone for good. A small thing, when compared to the destruction Zenith seeks to see stamped across their entire existence, but still. It weighs heavily on him.]
Perhaps it would not have worked with another not of his world. I don’t know. But the shards needed to be delivered, and when I accepted, I knew I might have to be the one to do it.
I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. We agreed to keep silent about it until the mission was complete. I suppose it is, now.
I didn’t ask for backup, because I didn’t need any. I made sure to leave it when he wasn’t there.
[Granted, he hadn’t accounted for the horrible monster Sebastian apparently kept as a pet, but it had all worked out in the end. Besides, concern for himself isn’t the reason he’d reached out to inform her.]
I was careful, Hayame. You know I wouldn’t take him lightly.
You did not need any. You were going into that demon’s house where he had gods know what magic or security in place, but you did not need any.
[If her communion seems angry, it’s because she’s angry. She… Once, she would have done such a thing along, but her “friends”… wouldn’t they have told her not to? Wouldn’t they have been worried for her safety? Not enough for some to actually disavow the thing that tortured her, apparently, but Liem had, and he…
[He’s the only one that did. (Because Claude wasn’t a friend, he was a lover.) So to lose him, of all people, to that thing masquerading as a man…
The thing under the anger is still fear, and she doesn’t even know for whom.]
… Do you know how many times I have imagined finding you dead?
[Claude, too. Yuri. Gray. The ones she thought might actually be loyal, the ones she thought would hurt the worst, if the demon made good on his threat delivered with a smile, the promise to never kill her. Just make her wish she was dead. Just put a foreign eye into her head as she screamed and thrashed. Just humiliate her. Just take away the people she-]
If he suspects I had something to do with it, you had best guard yourself, Liem Talbott.
… And if he suspects you did, you might want to tell everyone you care for to be wary walking alone.
[Liem can’t deny that he deserves her condemnation. He had wanted to avoid involving anyone else, worried it would lead to them being found out, suffering because of him—but she is right. The people he cares for might suffer anyway, regardless of whether or not any of them were involved at all.]
I have gone to every length to keep my involvement hidden, I assure you. And there should be no reason for him to suspect your hand behind a deed like this. I don’t want…
[He pauses, clearly unhappy.]
I don’t want to see anyone harmed because of this, Hayame, least of all you.
[It had been easy to imagine Liem dead, because she has seen it twice already. In the forest of Alenroux she had groped half-blind for him, blood in her one remaining eye, calling out for him and receiving only silence until she found his sharp shard in the crimson and rotted root-slick grass. In the tunnels beneath the Great Tree, impaled on a blade, dust before she could even catch him where he fell.
But.
She is still angry, even though his words might mollify another. And she still things-]
... You should still have taken someone. Even if they only waited nearby. Even if it were not me.
[Or at least, he’d assumed he had the option of calling upon aid, if needed—whether or not this actually ended up being true. Really, he’d ended making a number of assumptions that night that had come close to costing him dearly, but perhaps Abadar had been watching out for him.]
I have Set’s blessing. [As she does, he knows. He still recalls the desert god’s presence surrounding her when he’d come upon her and Amos struggling inside that Highstorm greenhouse.] It takes his form, and will come when I call. So, although I didn’t involve him… I am never truly without his aid.
[Unless he’s inside that stupid cum ward around Sebastian’s house, but in fairness, how was he supposed to know about that.]
[... Hayame does not mean to. She will regret it later, perhaps. But her response to those words... is to snort, the only sound she could abort to before it became a bitter laugh. Not because it is a surprise to her that he had Set's blessing- she had been told of his new status as "priest" to her and Dimitri's "warrior", to that weak woman's "priestess". (At least, she had thought, she could stand proud beside two of the three.) Though she had not known what form it took, different from her own manifestation of Set's deific presence as an aura too vast and too eldritch when unfettered not to leave fear in a mortal mind, she reacts that way because-]
You think Set will fight him for you?
[He had told her he would help her in her revenge, but... with information, with schemes or strategies. What she truly wanted, what she still feels hurt by in a part of herself she considers weak, desperately suppressed for the foolishness of ever having hoped, was-]
You think that he will kill that demon to prevent you from being hurt?
[... Maybe he would if it were his "copy" and not really him? Or... maybe he just would? Liem certainly sounds sure. She knows they have a bond, but the exact nature of it... She was not the prying nor speculating type, and it wasn't as if... Liem certainly had not asked her much of anything about Claude when she had told him what they were, and even when she had talked to him of the heart... His advice had been solid, and his words reassuring, but his demeanor had been somewhat... like he did not find himself the proper person to be speaking to. Were they... ? It likely didn't matter, because even if they were-]
You were not the only one, apparently, who... who I accidentally reached out for, when that demon was cutting open my face and putting that foul eye into me. When he was forcing a bit into my mouth like I was a fucking horse.
[Set had seen it, too. He had come for her, held her, comforted her in Communion once her consciousness returned after her body was dumped back in Springstar... But he wouldn't... She had forced herself to put it from her mind in order to preserve things, to not lose more and more of what she had fought for, but for those two to be mentioned in this exact way-]
Rely on Set all you want, Liem Talbott. I cannot tell you not to, for I have done it, and he has done for me that which I may never be able to repay.
... But you might be a fool if you think he will set aside that demon for you.
["Unless", she almost says, "your 'friendship' is more valuable than mine"... But even to her, a woman who has been known to nurse grudges and feel betrayal sharper than the slice any knife... It is too bitter sounding a thing.]
[Liem cannot say “Yes, I think he would come. I think he would fight for me.” Not to her; not when she so obviously feels that Set has failed her, has refused to stand up for her against Sebastian in spite of the cruelties the demon has conducted against her. Even if he must believe so; even if Set has demanded that he believe it.
He keeps his silence, considering Hayame’s bitter words, and the fearful plea she offers in their wake.]
I will bring an ally with me, in future.
[When next he seeks danger. He hopes it will not be anywhere near Sebastian or his home, but he is forced to admit that this remains a possibility, and Hayame is right to fear.]
The task was more dangerous than I anticipated. Nothing I couldn’t contend with, but… I will admit the wisdom in what you suggest.
[If what Liem might have said were to turn out untrue when tested... then he has made a wise decision not to say it, sparing the both of them the argument she would not be able to start and snarl over and himself the disappointment. And if it was true, if Set would come and fight that demon for him...
Then perhaps he has made a merciful one.]
That is all I am asking you.
I do not... I do not think I am asking that much.
[That's the problem. Perhaps that has always been the problem. But-]
Of a-
[She hates this word, and how confusing it is, and how much she thinks it means that other people don't, and yet... using it...]
Of a friend.
Friends are supposed to care. And worry. ... And help.
[... Right? So even if it's not her, if he cannot think her reliable against the demon that has proven he could best her, and rip her eye out, and force one back in... He must have other friends, and so surely one of them... One of them could help protect him from a demon.]
[Friendship continues to be an area where Liem feels unsteady, unsure how to balance the desire for intimacy with his wish to spare those he cares for from hardship. Hayame’s words make him flinch a little, guiltily. Because when she speaks it aloud, he is sure she must be right.]
I didn’t mean to exclude you, Hayame. I would gladly have you at my side for such a dangerous task. But something like this… I thought it would be beneath you. I didn’t want to involve you in something so underhanded.
[Delivering poisoned shards to the Zenites, to harm the souls of their loved ones and weaken their morale. It was different than facing someone openly in the field of battle.]
I didn’t want you to have to live with that kind of secret.
[Because it obviously must remain secret. Any of the ones to receive their “gifts” would surely hunt them down if they knew who was at fault.]
[She is no better- if not for different reasons. That is why she has to force herself to put things into halting words, to test, to doubt, because if she does not... She has been made a fool each time she assumed.]
I said... it did not have to be me. That is why.
[Even if she trusts herself the most...]
I am not the sort of naive thing that thinks such underhanded tactics have no place in war. The stakes are such that I will not condemn it. Perhaps with this, those amongst Zenith who are there only for a single Shard might reconsider...
[But. She had said it to Set more than once. So she will say it to Liem, too.]
... It could be beneath you, too, though. If you wished.
[Not a statement on his morals... but on what he was capable of. What he wasn't confined to, even if he thought himself...]
[Part of him is relieved to hear Hayame say that she won't condemn his actions. Even if he thinks she would be justified to do so, in the heart of him, he doesn't want to be someone who earns her condemnation.
And yet, even that worry is not enough to turn him from the path he's already on.]
I am used to such things, Hayame. Tasks like this are not difficult for me.
[Morally, spiritually they might be difficult, but his skill set is well suited to the job.]
And if I had refused the Heiropoios's assignment, she would simply have given the shards to someone else for delivery. I cannot just pass these things off when I find them distasteful.
[Just because she had devoted her life to becoming a warrior, and to do that had necessitated a certain amount of honor and loyalty... Battles were not always won by bushi. There were strategists, and foot soldiers, and ninja, as well... Liem was now doing work more of the latter. It is not the work she has trouble with.]
... Are they not?
[Maybe she's wrong. But she had always just thought... Liem was a better person than her. That he might care more than she did... about "innocents" and doing things that were wrong. Or maybe that was because she only thought of him as better and did not know what that actually meant.]
I merely intend... you to know. That I think that.
That you are the sort of who could do well shining in the light, not just moving in the dark.
[... METAPHORICALLY. The person she made read her things about dhampir in the library explained the whole. Sun thing.]
[METAPHORICALLY. Don’t worry, Hayame. Liem understands. He doesn’t even disagree with her, necessarily; he just doesn’t think it’s in the cards for him.]
I think that is not what Meridian needs from me. But… I will still try to be someone who can stand beside you, Hayame.
[Maybe Hayame is the most hopeful of all of them, beneath her cynicism, her realistic approach, and her doubts. Not for herself, of course, but those she decided to believe in…]
You were Decurion long before I for a reason, Liem.
[It is a hopeful thing that she says to him. Liem smiles over communion, the warmth of it filtering through the connection despite the distance between them. Though he will not be free of war even after Kenos is behind him, he thinks this is a worthy thing to strive for, if it is something she wishes for him.]
You still think so highly of me. I can only promise that I will try to deserve it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[How disgusting, that she was supposed to be a warrior and yet one of her first thoughts is “do I have an alibi?” If that demon came investigating if the culprit could have been her, would happenstance have positioned her at the Legionary training grounds in view of dozens of soldiers who could testify as to her distance from Highstorm and corrupted shards, or had she been asleep at home in Alenroux with no one but a lover’s claim to rely upon?
She wanted to think she’d gotten stronger since then. She’d forced herself to study those meridian magics better, she’d scoured the markets and ateliers of Springstar until she found an amulet claimed to detect the presence of such beings, at least generally, but-
For a moment she’s right back there. Struggling, bucking, sweating cold as a being somehow infinitely faster and stronger than a jinba dangled her eyeball (no, no it was green, a different one, it wasn’t hers-) in front of her empty socket as he smiled and assured her he would never kill her.
Not when he could make her suffer. She’d thought a lot since that day what that would mean. If continuing to seek her revenge… or even just fighting against one of the most powerful Zenites in a bid to return home might result in more pain, further disfigurement, or worse… death to the few people she cared about.
She’d imagined Liem’s blood on her hands before, but not like-]
I told you what he did and you still- You still thought this wise to do?
Why did it have to be him?
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[And now that person, along with whoever had been in his other shard, was gone for good. A small thing, when compared to the destruction Zenith seeks to see stamped across their entire existence, but still. It weighs heavily on him.]
Perhaps it would not have worked with another not of his world. I don’t know. But the shards needed to be delivered, and when I accepted, I knew I might have to be the one to do it.
I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. We agreed to keep silent about it until the mission was complete. I suppose it is, now.
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And did we have your back when you slipped into the demon’s lair?
[If he had been discovered there-
Even if he had called for help, any help (her help), what point would there have been if he does not answer “yes”?]
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[Granted, he hadn’t accounted for the horrible monster Sebastian apparently kept as a pet, but it had all worked out in the end. Besides, concern for himself isn’t the reason he’d reached out to inform her.]
I was careful, Hayame. You know I wouldn’t take him lightly.
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[If her communion seems angry, it’s because she’s angry. She… Once, she would have done such a thing along, but her “friends”… wouldn’t they have told her not to? Wouldn’t they have been worried for her safety? Not enough for some to actually disavow the thing that tortured her, apparently, but Liem had, and he…
Surely…]
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The thing under the anger is still fear, and she doesn’t even know for whom.]
… Do you know how many times I have imagined finding you dead?
[Claude, too. Yuri. Gray. The ones she thought might actually be loyal, the ones she thought would hurt the worst, if the demon made good on his threat delivered with a smile, the promise to never kill her. Just make her wish she was dead. Just put a foreign eye into her head as she screamed and thrashed. Just humiliate her. Just take away the people she-]
If he suspects I had something to do with it, you had best guard yourself, Liem Talbott.
… And if he suspects you did, you might want to tell everyone you care for to be wary walking alone.
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I have gone to every length to keep my involvement hidden, I assure you. And there should be no reason for him to suspect your hand behind a deed like this. I don’t want…
[He pauses, clearly unhappy.]
I don’t want to see anyone harmed because of this, Hayame, least of all you.
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But.
She is still angry, even though his words might mollify another. And she still things-]
... You should still have taken someone. Even if they only waited nearby. Even if it were not me.
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[Or at least, he’d assumed he had the option of calling upon aid, if needed—whether or not this actually ended up being true. Really, he’d ended making a number of assumptions that night that had come close to costing him dearly, but perhaps Abadar had been watching out for him.]
I have Set’s blessing. [As she does, he knows. He still recalls the desert god’s presence surrounding her when he’d come upon her and Amos struggling inside that Highstorm greenhouse.] It takes his form, and will come when I call. So, although I didn’t involve him… I am never truly without his aid.
[Unless he’s inside that stupid cum ward around Sebastian’s house, but in fairness, how was he supposed to know about that.]
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You think Set will fight him for you?
[He had told her he would help her in her revenge, but... with information, with schemes or strategies. What she truly wanted, what she still feels hurt by in a part of herself she considers weak, desperately suppressed for the foolishness of ever having hoped, was-]
You think that he will kill that demon to prevent you from being hurt?
[... Maybe he would if it were his "copy" and not really him? Or... maybe he just would? Liem certainly sounds sure. She knows they have a bond, but the exact nature of it... She was not the prying nor speculating type, and it wasn't as if... Liem certainly had not asked her much of anything about Claude when she had told him what they were, and even when she had talked to him of the heart... His advice had been solid, and his words reassuring, but his demeanor had been somewhat... like he did not find himself the proper person to be speaking to. Were they... ? It likely didn't matter, because even if they were-]
You were not the only one, apparently, who... who I accidentally reached out for, when that demon was cutting open my face and putting that foul eye into me. When he was forcing a bit into my mouth like I was a fucking horse.
[Set had seen it, too. He had come for her, held her, comforted her in Communion once her consciousness returned after her body was dumped back in Springstar... But he wouldn't... She had forced herself to put it from her mind in order to preserve things, to not lose more and more of what she had fought for, but for those two to be mentioned in this exact way-]
Rely on Set all you want, Liem Talbott. I cannot tell you not to, for I have done it, and he has done for me that which I may never be able to repay.
... But you might be a fool if you think he will set aside that demon for you.
["Unless", she almost says, "your 'friendship' is more valuable than mine"... But even to her, a woman who has been known to nurse grudges and feel betrayal sharper than the slice any knife... It is too bitter sounding a thing.]
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Take someone with you next time. That is all I am asking, so why can you not just-
... I am begging.
[In case that was not clear.
She just doesn't want-
She doesn't want Liem to die at that demon's hands. Almost as much as she doesn't want him to find himself in the same position she did.]
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He keeps his silence, considering Hayame’s bitter words, and the fearful plea she offers in their wake.]
I will bring an ally with me, in future.
[When next he seeks danger. He hopes it will not be anywhere near Sebastian or his home, but he is forced to admit that this remains a possibility, and Hayame is right to fear.]
The task was more dangerous than I anticipated. Nothing I couldn’t contend with, but… I will admit the wisdom in what you suggest.
I don’t want to be a source of worry for you.
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Then perhaps he has made a merciful one.]
That is all I am asking you.
I do not... I do not think I am asking that much.
[That's the problem. Perhaps that has always been the problem. But-]
Of a-
[She hates this word, and how confusing it is, and how much she thinks it means that other people don't, and yet... using it...]
Of a friend.
Friends are supposed to care. And worry. ... And help.
[... Right? So even if it's not her, if he cannot think her reliable against the demon that has proven he could best her, and rip her eye out, and force one back in... He must have other friends, and so surely one of them... One of them could help protect him from a demon.]
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I didn’t mean to exclude you, Hayame. I would gladly have you at my side for such a dangerous task. But something like this… I thought it would be beneath you. I didn’t want to involve you in something so underhanded.
[Delivering poisoned shards to the Zenites, to harm the souls of their loved ones and weaken their morale. It was different than facing someone openly in the field of battle.]
I didn’t want you to have to live with that kind of secret.
[Because it obviously must remain secret. Any of the ones to receive their “gifts” would surely hunt them down if they knew who was at fault.]
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I said... it did not have to be me. That is why.
[Even if she trusts herself the most...]
I am not the sort of naive thing that thinks such underhanded tactics have no place in war. The stakes are such that I will not condemn it. Perhaps with this, those amongst Zenith who are there only for a single Shard might reconsider...
[But. She had said it to Set more than once. So she will say it to Liem, too.]
... It could be beneath you, too, though. If you wished.
[Not a statement on his morals... but on what he was capable of. What he wasn't confined to, even if he thought himself...]
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And yet, even that worry is not enough to turn him from the path he's already on.]
I am used to such things, Hayame. Tasks like this are not difficult for me.
[Morally, spiritually they might be difficult, but his skill set is well suited to the job.]
And if I had refused the Heiropoios's assignment, she would simply have given the shards to someone else for delivery. I cannot just pass these things off when I find them distasteful.
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... Are they not?
[Maybe she's wrong. But she had always just thought... Liem was a better person than her. That he might care more than she did... about "innocents" and doing things that were wrong. Or maybe that was because she only thought of him as better and did not know what that actually meant.]
I merely intend... you to know. That I think that.
That you are the sort of who could do well shining in the light, not just moving in the dark.
[... METAPHORICALLY. The person she made read her things about dhampir in the library explained the whole. Sun thing.]
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[METAPHORICALLY. Don’t worry, Hayame. Liem understands. He doesn’t even disagree with her, necessarily; he just doesn’t think it’s in the cards for him.]
I think that is not what Meridian needs from me. But… I will still try to be someone who can stand beside you, Hayame.
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[Maybe Hayame is the most hopeful of all of them, beneath her cynicism, her realistic approach, and her doubts. Not for herself, of course, but those she decided to believe in…]
You were Decurion long before I for a reason, Liem.
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You still think so highly of me. I can only promise that I will try to deserve it.