![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Hayame says everything with certainty. She had learned early that there was no room for uncertainty in the breeding stable, because not being sure invited only accusations of weakness. She'd had the keen foresight and awareness to rarely be wrong. Here, though... She doesn't know anything. She doesn't understand the nature of this place. Everyone came from different worlds, different cultures. Yet despite knowing that for truth, she cannot so easily let go of the instinct to just be certain-]
Set smears himself over every man who insults my honor or earns my enmity.
[And she hated it. She'd told him she hated it, and still it wouldn't change. He'd insisted they were friends despite that, but it was not enough to turn her anger to acceptance. It didn't make it easier for her to swallow her pride and simply forgive seeing him cavorting with her enemies just because he didn't interfere when she lashed out at them.]
Liem betrayed me- [No-] - ridian.
[He was supposed to be free of the hold the black sludge of Kenoma had once had on him, he was supposed to be stronger, he was supposed to be the man she had met in the space between their rebirth on Horos, who had known her and not turned away... and he turned away now not just from her but from the entire faction, all because he was tired?]
Amos would try to kill me if that witch Yima even hinted that she might want to see it done.
[- Had she betrayed her affection for the man on their quest to rescue Vander, when she was known for her hardline stance against the members of Zenith? She had tried to keep their understanding a secret, she had sworn that she would keep the nature of that understanding a secret, for both of their dignities, but-
That leaves Akua, standing here in front of her now. The woman who had helped her murder her doppelganger under the ice, who kept arguing against her shattering the man in this world she hated the most-
So she throws out all of the reasons that she shouldn't care at all what happens to these people. She thinks she could go on even further, she could claim Set was a god, that Akua wielded magic beyond what reality should warrant, that Liem had magic, too, that Amos was stronger than most humans, so they could defend themselves even if her "mistakes" brought threats to their doorsteps, but... She pulls her arms from their tight, defensive posture to spread them wide, almost inviting the disdain... even as her expression twists with pain she doesn't even notice is fairly leaking out of her. Disdain she knows how to handle, being looked down upon and hated, that she understands, so why is she being tormented with offers of affection, of care that take forms she struggles to accept- ?]
Who would think that we were friends, Akua?
[And yet, even though that would be the simplest way to refute the other woman and "win" this argument... Why does she fail to say in simple words that none of them were worthy of her concern? Why does she simply say "no, none of you care"?]
Is that what friendship is?
[She doesn't know. Will someone who makes sense just tell her- ?]
Set smears himself over every man who insults my honor or earns my enmity.
[And she hated it. She'd told him she hated it, and still it wouldn't change. He'd insisted they were friends despite that, but it was not enough to turn her anger to acceptance. It didn't make it easier for her to swallow her pride and simply forgive seeing him cavorting with her enemies just because he didn't interfere when she lashed out at them.]
Liem betrayed me- [No-] - ridian.
[He was supposed to be free of the hold the black sludge of Kenoma had once had on him, he was supposed to be stronger, he was supposed to be the man she had met in the space between their rebirth on Horos, who had known her and not turned away... and he turned away now not just from her but from the entire faction, all because he was tired?]
Amos would try to kill me if that witch Yima even hinted that she might want to see it done.
[- Had she betrayed her affection for the man on their quest to rescue Vander, when she was known for her hardline stance against the members of Zenith? She had tried to keep their understanding a secret, she had sworn that she would keep the nature of that understanding a secret, for both of their dignities, but-
That leaves Akua, standing here in front of her now. The woman who had helped her murder her doppelganger under the ice, who kept arguing against her shattering the man in this world she hated the most-
So she throws out all of the reasons that she shouldn't care at all what happens to these people. She thinks she could go on even further, she could claim Set was a god, that Akua wielded magic beyond what reality should warrant, that Liem had magic, too, that Amos was stronger than most humans, so they could defend themselves even if her "mistakes" brought threats to their doorsteps, but... She pulls her arms from their tight, defensive posture to spread them wide, almost inviting the disdain... even as her expression twists with pain she doesn't even notice is fairly leaking out of her. Disdain she knows how to handle, being looked down upon and hated, that she understands, so why is she being tormented with offers of affection, of care that take forms she struggles to accept- ?]
Who would think that we were friends, Akua?
[And yet, even though that would be the simplest way to refute the other woman and "win" this argument... Why does she fail to say in simple words that none of them were worthy of her concern? Why does she simply say "no, none of you care"?]
Is that what friendship is?
[She doesn't know. Will someone who makes sense just tell her- ?]
[It is cold in the night woods of Alenroux. Cold enough that even with her higher base body temperature Hayame can feel it, even if it’s nothing compared to chill that could actually sicken her, nothing compared to the snows of Mt. Tsurugi or the ice of the Scorched Isles.
She finds only paltry prey. Only small monsters the like anyone (well) could take care of. A tanuki-like creature that looks too straggly to make good meat.
Something does wheel ahead, though, temporarily blotting out the moon.
For a moment, she thinks it might be Claude abroad the back of that dragon-like mount of his. She even thinks that perhaps he-
When she looks up, though, the shape is wrong.
She condemns herself for the weakness and turns her eyes back to the wood.]
She finds only paltry prey. Only small monsters the like anyone (well) could take care of. A tanuki-like creature that looks too straggly to make good meat.
Something does wheel ahead, though, temporarily blotting out the moon.
For a moment, she thinks it might be Claude abroad the back of that dragon-like mount of his. She even thinks that perhaps he-
When she looks up, though, the shape is wrong.
She condemns herself for the weakness and turns her eyes back to the wood.]
[She'd felt it brewing for days, but it was an inconvenient timing, and she did not want to admit that her seasonal heat had come again. Ever since the masquerade at the World's Edge, when she had tried and failed to be rid of her purity... they had been more difficult to bear. Knowing now that if she just gave in, that if she just let someone touch her-
But those failures had been shameful and humiliating, and she is in no rush to repeat them. To admit her needs, to beg to be treated as a woman so that she might find relief... the idea makes her sick.
Does she blame her heightened Discord for how much heavier this month's feels? Her shard is so hot, it's been hot since the ritual, hotter with each kill, and it mixes with her body's breeding season so easily that she isn't sure which part of her is overheating. She makes excuses to remove herself from the presence of the military, the scent of them too annoying to deal with and her tail too eager to lift and betray her, quitting the civilized part of the island to spend her hours standing in the cold waters of a river, burning as she shivered.
At the World's Edge, after her shames... Claude had been... No, she reminds herself. "Khalid" had been-
On that mattress on his floor, her Blight finally treated and the both of them left exhausted, his body had been so close to hers- far closer than she ever had imagined she would willingly invite another. His hands had been gentle on hers, his forehead a solid, steady presence between her shoulders, and she-
Suppresses the thoughts with a grit of her teeth when she feels her tail twitch, wading deeper into the river until the water could carry the thoughts and the urges they summoned away with the current.]
But those failures had been shameful and humiliating, and she is in no rush to repeat them. To admit her needs, to beg to be treated as a woman so that she might find relief... the idea makes her sick.
Does she blame her heightened Discord for how much heavier this month's feels? Her shard is so hot, it's been hot since the ritual, hotter with each kill, and it mixes with her body's breeding season so easily that she isn't sure which part of her is overheating. She makes excuses to remove herself from the presence of the military, the scent of them too annoying to deal with and her tail too eager to lift and betray her, quitting the civilized part of the island to spend her hours standing in the cold waters of a river, burning as she shivered.
At the World's Edge, after her shames... Claude had been... No, she reminds herself. "Khalid" had been-
On that mattress on his floor, her Blight finally treated and the both of them left exhausted, his body had been so close to hers- far closer than she ever had imagined she would willingly invite another. His hands had been gentle on hers, his forehead a solid, steady presence between her shoulders, and she-
Suppresses the thoughts with a grit of her teeth when she feels her tail twitch, wading deeper into the river until the water could carry the thoughts and the urges they summoned away with the current.]
Edited 2023-06-11 15:00 (UTC)
[ Perhaps it was meant to be, that she would meet someone like Hayame here, who had never experienced friendship before. Not really, and not in a meaningful way. She knows what it is, to struggle with this question, what is a friend, what it meant? Oh, she had been given "friends" so many times over the years. Hells, her mother had made her make a friend only to murder her. But it wasn't until...
Until she'd been given the opportunity, even as a ghost, to know what Friendhsip was. To have someone accept, to have people who would sit, and eat, to enjoy space next to, but friendship was not --
It was not what Hayame said. It was not simply turning away others, or making decisions for them. That was what she had been given, time and time again. ]
Friends are not sycophants, Hayame. People will make their own decisions, based on their own values, or what they desire. If you wish them to not tell you the truths we believe, or tell you what we feel, it is not friendship.
[ She offered her a soft, sad smile. ]
I would know. Do you know how long it took me, to understand what Friendship was.
Have they told you that they do not value you? Have they forsaken you? They may have made mistakes, or made choices that they need to decide that they must do.
If you had killed Sebastian, I would be angry, but I would not... seek to turn you away. [ She would be...disappointed. ]
You must decide for yourself, who your friends are. Would I not reach out to you this way, if we were not? Would I not try to still your hand, because of what I think would be self destructive, if I did not Care? Friends tell you thinks you may not see, they give you their perspective, and yes, sometimes they still make mistakes, or do things that one could not imagine them doing. Commit crimes, even.
[ She had turned away herself, once, from Catherine's friendship. She had left, after that night, when they'd made dinner together as a group, and she'd been treated like a Friend, and spoke to Catherine's friends like people... She had left, and joined their enemy.
And then she had felt it, that guilt. She'd gained the will of the people, she'd pulled them away from Dread Empress Malicia, and...
She never heard the song. She'd been the people's choice, and she'd never even heard it. The song that meant that she could have been Dread Empress. She knew it wasn't to be, and she knew it had been a Mistake. ]
Only you can decide who is your friend, Hayame, but I think of you as one of mine.
[ She was hard, and angry, and oh so spiteful, but she was proud, and strong, and stalwart, and Akua admired her for it, even when she lashed out. She could handle a little spite, despite that. She was a villain, after all. ]
Until she'd been given the opportunity, even as a ghost, to know what Friendhsip was. To have someone accept, to have people who would sit, and eat, to enjoy space next to, but friendship was not --
It was not what Hayame said. It was not simply turning away others, or making decisions for them. That was what she had been given, time and time again. ]
Friends are not sycophants, Hayame. People will make their own decisions, based on their own values, or what they desire. If you wish them to not tell you the truths we believe, or tell you what we feel, it is not friendship.
[ She offered her a soft, sad smile. ]
I would know. Do you know how long it took me, to understand what Friendship was.
Have they told you that they do not value you? Have they forsaken you? They may have made mistakes, or made choices that they need to decide that they must do.
If you had killed Sebastian, I would be angry, but I would not... seek to turn you away. [ She would be...disappointed. ]
You must decide for yourself, who your friends are. Would I not reach out to you this way, if we were not? Would I not try to still your hand, because of what I think would be self destructive, if I did not Care? Friends tell you thinks you may not see, they give you their perspective, and yes, sometimes they still make mistakes, or do things that one could not imagine them doing. Commit crimes, even.
[ She had turned away herself, once, from Catherine's friendship. She had left, after that night, when they'd made dinner together as a group, and she'd been treated like a Friend, and spoke to Catherine's friends like people... She had left, and joined their enemy.
And then she had felt it, that guilt. She'd gained the will of the people, she'd pulled them away from Dread Empress Malicia, and...
She never heard the song. She'd been the people's choice, and she'd never even heard it. The song that meant that she could have been Dread Empress. She knew it wasn't to be, and she knew it had been a Mistake. ]
Only you can decide who is your friend, Hayame, but I think of you as one of mine.
[ She was hard, and angry, and oh so spiteful, but she was proud, and strong, and stalwart, and Akua admired her for it, even when she lashed out. She could handle a little spite, despite that. She was a villain, after all. ]
[The answer isn't what she wants to hear. She wants it to be easier, to be something that she can easily understand... because isn't it supposed to be that way? In the breeding stables, there had been no friendships to form her opinion of such relationships. The Armless were broken in spirit and in body, and became almost like dumb beasts themselves, horses that had once been people who bent to the will of human masters and then stood in the corners of their stalls alone. The armed yearlings were played against one another as soon as they were old enough to understand what failure meant, striving to be recognized as the strongest, the fastest, the most loyal and worth purchase by the most noble lord...
All she'd had, if she cared to acknowledge that it had influenced her, were the ballads and epics her master had liked to hear over his banquets and dinners. The vibrato-laced sing-song voice of lute players extolling the unbreakable bonds of the Soga brothers, the unquestionable obedience and strength of Minamoto no Yoritomo's four bosom lieutenants, the unassailable camaraderie of Prince Genji and To no Chujo, who remained friends despite everything in their lives that sought to pit them against each other-
It's not real. It's not anything like the friendships she is being offered in this place, with imperfect people who vex her and befriend her enemies and betray her trust and admit that they would kill her and don't support her in her revenge.]
I do not ask for lies or for obedience-
[Did she not? It wasn't that she did not wish to hear their truths, she did not think she closed her ears to their voices.]
I ask for-
[Her arms had spread as if to invite derision or disdain, but now she feels so exposed, as if she is inviting the other woman to just stab at her heart or take her accursed shard. How many times has she fantasized about that- ?]
I ask for loyalty. Why is that so difficult- ?
[If she was worth caring about, if she could believe that she really was cared for... how did one believe such a thing without loyalty? Was it not just words, with no action, no weight? Was it not the same as forsaking her, even if they stayed physically close and claimed to still care? Her expression twists with the mix of confusion and anger, despair and genuine lack of understanding, struggling to... she just- She just wants it to make sense.]
What are we to do with care, Akua?
["We". Were they not cut from a similar cloth? Did Akua have the answers? Even though she hated so much how the other woman tried to dissuade her from revenge, she was the one who had... had betrayed her least. She was saying so many things now, and they sound all well and good, but when it wasn't just "mistakes"...]
Are we to go to the tailors and... and purchase clothing? Are we to... to dine together? To... to talk and walk in the streets?
[Things she saw people in Springstar do... ? Outside of standing together in battle, she...
Her arms fall back to her side in something like defeat.]
All she'd had, if she cared to acknowledge that it had influenced her, were the ballads and epics her master had liked to hear over his banquets and dinners. The vibrato-laced sing-song voice of lute players extolling the unbreakable bonds of the Soga brothers, the unquestionable obedience and strength of Minamoto no Yoritomo's four bosom lieutenants, the unassailable camaraderie of Prince Genji and To no Chujo, who remained friends despite everything in their lives that sought to pit them against each other-
It's not real. It's not anything like the friendships she is being offered in this place, with imperfect people who vex her and befriend her enemies and betray her trust and admit that they would kill her and don't support her in her revenge.]
I do not ask for lies or for obedience-
[Did she not? It wasn't that she did not wish to hear their truths, she did not think she closed her ears to their voices.]
I ask for-
[Her arms had spread as if to invite derision or disdain, but now she feels so exposed, as if she is inviting the other woman to just stab at her heart or take her accursed shard. How many times has she fantasized about that- ?]
I ask for loyalty. Why is that so difficult- ?
[If she was worth caring about, if she could believe that she really was cared for... how did one believe such a thing without loyalty? Was it not just words, with no action, no weight? Was it not the same as forsaking her, even if they stayed physically close and claimed to still care? Her expression twists with the mix of confusion and anger, despair and genuine lack of understanding, struggling to... she just- She just wants it to make sense.]
What are we to do with care, Akua?
["We". Were they not cut from a similar cloth? Did Akua have the answers? Even though she hated so much how the other woman tried to dissuade her from revenge, she was the one who had... had betrayed her least. She was saying so many things now, and they sound all well and good, but when it wasn't just "mistakes"...]
Are we to go to the tailors and... and purchase clothing? Are we to... to dine together? To... to talk and walk in the streets?
[Things she saw people in Springstar do... ? Outside of standing together in battle, she...
Her arms fall back to her side in something like defeat.]
[After his talk with Byleth, Claude realised he had made a very poor assumption. Namely, that Hayame, a jinba who had evidently only ever known poor treatment at the hands of a human master, and who was accustomed to living in a stall like the average warhorse, was capable of reading his message.
Now that he thought about it, had he ever seen her read, or write, or carry evidence in her scant possessions that she owned books? He didn't think so. For many of the people of his world, reading was a luxury mostly afforded to the nobility or the clergy, though it was common amongst the mercantile classes of Leicester, or Almyran traders and scholars, too. Ordinary people, like labourers and farmhands... Less so.
It was hard to imagine for someone like him who lived practically half his life with a nose buried in a book, though, and so it had slipped his mind completely. Surely she holds that against him as further evidence they're too wildly different for him to ever understand her, especially now he had told her he was a king, and seemingly blinded by the privilege of his station.
He won't address that directly, though, and risk wounding her pride further with more assumptions. Instead, he just sends her a brief communion. Thoughts, this time, not text.]
It's me again. You don't have to respond, but I just want you to know that... I'm sorry for hurting you. I told you I wouldn't regret what I did, but that's something I do regret. It was never my intention, and I acted thoughtlessly.
[He can already feel something stick in his throat, though he hopes it isn't obvious across the connection, tenuous as it is. He should wrap this up quickly and reiterate what she (probably) couldn't read before.]
I hope you're staying safe. And... Whatever happens, don't forget that I'm always on your side. If you need help, you can reach out any time.
Now that he thought about it, had he ever seen her read, or write, or carry evidence in her scant possessions that she owned books? He didn't think so. For many of the people of his world, reading was a luxury mostly afforded to the nobility or the clergy, though it was common amongst the mercantile classes of Leicester, or Almyran traders and scholars, too. Ordinary people, like labourers and farmhands... Less so.
It was hard to imagine for someone like him who lived practically half his life with a nose buried in a book, though, and so it had slipped his mind completely. Surely she holds that against him as further evidence they're too wildly different for him to ever understand her, especially now he had told her he was a king, and seemingly blinded by the privilege of his station.
He won't address that directly, though, and risk wounding her pride further with more assumptions. Instead, he just sends her a brief communion. Thoughts, this time, not text.]
It's me again. You don't have to respond, but I just want you to know that... I'm sorry for hurting you. I told you I wouldn't regret what I did, but that's something I do regret. It was never my intention, and I acted thoughtlessly.
[He can already feel something stick in his throat, though he hopes it isn't obvious across the connection, tenuous as it is. He should wrap this up quickly and reiterate what she (probably) couldn't read before.]
I hope you're staying safe. And... Whatever happens, don't forget that I'm always on your side. If you need help, you can reach out any time.
[It's Claude. Khalid.
Hayame hadn't been expecting it. She wasn't prepared for it. If she was... if she had been, she surely would have blocked out the reach of his communion, she could have kept a better hold on her emotions, the thoughts roiling in her head.
... But she wants to actually know what he says this time. She listens. The sense of her presence is there, even though she tries to hide it.
He says a lot of things in such a short amount of time. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised at that, when he had such a clever tongue, and had been using it for all sorts of discussions on amongst the shard-bearers. He's sorry. He regrets hurting her- When... When had she ever said she was hurt by it? She wasn't that sort of woman, she wasn't hurt-
And he was on her side. Always on her side.
Was that even something she could believe was true? Every single person in Kenos who has called her "friend" or professed to care for her has betrayed her, time and time again, with no indication they would ever stop or change. Whether it was cavorting with her enemies, abandoning the faction they had joined side by side, or using weaknesses shared in confidence to discredit her in public for their factions' respective goals... How was she supposed to believe in "friendship"? In "care"? In... in- in what he had offered her beneath the roots?
She doesn't know what to say. How can she even talk to him now, when her heat is addling her head and turning her thoughts shameful? How can she even go to him, now, when doing so might make it seem like she was only caving in because he had given her a little apology or because her body was craving company? Her presence in communion is growing hot- and not from anger. From Discord, her shard burning up from within, from breeding season pulsing needily in her veins, neither of which she can hide long or very well. But Claude is a Stargazer. He cannot cleanse her Discord. He is a human. He cannot- he would not want-
Hayame flees like a coward and pretends it is for his benefit, her presence snuffed out in a wanton, jumbled flutter.]
Hayame hadn't been expecting it. She wasn't prepared for it. If she was... if she had been, she surely would have blocked out the reach of his communion, she could have kept a better hold on her emotions, the thoughts roiling in her head.
... But she wants to actually know what he says this time. She listens. The sense of her presence is there, even though she tries to hide it.
He says a lot of things in such a short amount of time. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised at that, when he had such a clever tongue, and had been using it for all sorts of discussions on amongst the shard-bearers. He's sorry. He regrets hurting her- When... When had she ever said she was hurt by it? She wasn't that sort of woman, she wasn't hurt-
And he was on her side. Always on her side.
Was that even something she could believe was true? Every single person in Kenos who has called her "friend" or professed to care for her has betrayed her, time and time again, with no indication they would ever stop or change. Whether it was cavorting with her enemies, abandoning the faction they had joined side by side, or using weaknesses shared in confidence to discredit her in public for their factions' respective goals... How was she supposed to believe in "friendship"? In "care"? In... in- in what he had offered her beneath the roots?
She doesn't know what to say. How can she even talk to him now, when her heat is addling her head and turning her thoughts shameful? How can she even go to him, now, when doing so might make it seem like she was only caving in because he had given her a little apology or because her body was craving company? Her presence in communion is growing hot- and not from anger. From Discord, her shard burning up from within, from breeding season pulsing needily in her veins, neither of which she can hide long or very well. But Claude is a Stargazer. He cannot cleanse her Discord. He is a human. He cannot- he would not want-
Hayame flees like a coward and pretends it is for his benefit, her presence snuffed out in a wanton, jumbled flutter.]
[Two days later, she almost takes him up on it. "Help". If she'd needed it, she could ask, he'd said, any time-
But Hayame had never known how to ask for help. She'd made herself into a woman who would never need to ask for help, because she was a woman, because she was a jinba, and receiving help from another, if it were publicly known, would invalidate everything she'd ever achieved. In Horos, even in Kenos, where she was up against strange magics, ever-shifting odds, and unbelievable opponents...
How shameful it still seems to ask for help. How much more shameful it would be to ask for help for that.
It must be Discord, she had been right about it's influence on her season. The heat is unbearable. If she asked... and yet, she doesn't have the benefit of the masks that had cloaked the differences of her form like she'd had at the World's Edge. He had kissed her despite that, but...
But no. She can't. She can't have the first time she sees him again be because of the bestial urges that she has always resented. She'll just- She'll cleanse her Discord. She'll ask for help with that, but she can't ask Claude. She'll take care of it and then...
Maybe then.]
But Hayame had never known how to ask for help. She'd made herself into a woman who would never need to ask for help, because she was a woman, because she was a jinba, and receiving help from another, if it were publicly known, would invalidate everything she'd ever achieved. In Horos, even in Kenos, where she was up against strange magics, ever-shifting odds, and unbelievable opponents...
How shameful it still seems to ask for help. How much more shameful it would be to ask for help for that.
It must be Discord, she had been right about it's influence on her season. The heat is unbearable. If she asked... and yet, she doesn't have the benefit of the masks that had cloaked the differences of her form like she'd had at the World's Edge. He had kissed her despite that, but...
But no. She can't. She can't have the first time she sees him again be because of the bestial urges that she has always resented. She'll just- She'll cleanse her Discord. She'll ask for help with that, but she can't ask Claude. She'll take care of it and then...
Maybe then.]
[She has to go into Springstar to deal with her Discord.
It does not go at all how she'd planned.
But the next morning she is still in Springstar, and her way back to the cornerstone passes... somewhere familiar. Somewhere she has stayed before. Somewhere she had... actually thought she might stay again, before everything had gotten so messed up. It shamefully reminds her of something else she had planned to do, if the Blight hadn't gotten worse, if they hadn't been sucked into that sick ritual in the first place.
She had dirtied Claude's sheets when he had hosted her, covered in sweat and dust from the debris, her hooves packed with rubble, too weak to bathe or pick her hooves. She'd told him not to give them to her, but he had still put her on his mattress with pillows and sheets anyway. It was... it was proper. And she hasn't done anything proper in so long, it feels. Whether they... whatever was happening, a debt was a debt.
When Claude returns home that night, he will find a plain-wrapped package in the doorway. Inside is a set of sheets, white with burnished gold embroidery along the edges, and a matching blanket.
There is no note.]
It does not go at all how she'd planned.
But the next morning she is still in Springstar, and her way back to the cornerstone passes... somewhere familiar. Somewhere she has stayed before. Somewhere she had... actually thought she might stay again, before everything had gotten so messed up. It shamefully reminds her of something else she had planned to do, if the Blight hadn't gotten worse, if they hadn't been sucked into that sick ritual in the first place.
She had dirtied Claude's sheets when he had hosted her, covered in sweat and dust from the debris, her hooves packed with rubble, too weak to bathe or pick her hooves. She'd told him not to give them to her, but he had still put her on his mattress with pillows and sheets anyway. It was... it was proper. And she hasn't done anything proper in so long, it feels. Whether they... whatever was happening, a debt was a debt.
When Claude returns home that night, he will find a plain-wrapped package in the doorway. Inside is a set of sheets, white with burnished gold embroidery along the edges, and a matching blanket.
There is no note.]
[She hates this.
Her discord lightened and her heat dampened, she slinks back to her duties in Alenroux. She returns to the outposts, to her patrols, to hunting, to training the archers. To things that were supposed to keep her mind so occupied that she does not think of anything else but duty and how she might best prepare for the next Oracle. So many voices clutter her mind in communion that she can't always shut out, but none of it... none of it is anything she can actually do. It's all talk. Talk of balance and cooperation and diplomacy and things that she does not agree with, that the others don't listen to her sense on, that... just leave her feeling alone again.
Claude's voice is ever present in the discussions. She cannot follow them without hearing his voice. That stupid, foolish, hopeful voice that thought he could change the world for the better, change hers...
The makeshift stables at the Alenroux outposts are not as comfortable as the one she'd had in Springstar, before the Blight roots had destroyed it, but she does not complain. There is a house near the woods, very nearly complete, but she does not... she does not want something that Liem Talbott had built, now that Liem Talbott is a traitor. She simply claims a stall at whatever outpost she is occupying that day, moving around the island to oversee the occupation efforts and help where she can.
There is a stall for a wyvern at one of them, though. Claude's wyvern. She smells the creature immediately, she spies it from afar, but... as tempting as it is, she refuses to change her course just because Claude might appear there. In fact, she did not care at all if he were to do so. It was none of her business. Her debt was repaid, she wasn't delirious with need, he obviously... had plenty to occupy his time. He probably would not even show his face, he was probably helping out in Springstar or doing... doing something with those accursed Zenites-
But.
Hayame lingers near the stables, watching the large lizard preen it's leathery wings.]
Her discord lightened and her heat dampened, she slinks back to her duties in Alenroux. She returns to the outposts, to her patrols, to hunting, to training the archers. To things that were supposed to keep her mind so occupied that she does not think of anything else but duty and how she might best prepare for the next Oracle. So many voices clutter her mind in communion that she can't always shut out, but none of it... none of it is anything she can actually do. It's all talk. Talk of balance and cooperation and diplomacy and things that she does not agree with, that the others don't listen to her sense on, that... just leave her feeling alone again.
Claude's voice is ever present in the discussions. She cannot follow them without hearing his voice. That stupid, foolish, hopeful voice that thought he could change the world for the better, change hers...
The makeshift stables at the Alenroux outposts are not as comfortable as the one she'd had in Springstar, before the Blight roots had destroyed it, but she does not complain. There is a house near the woods, very nearly complete, but she does not... she does not want something that Liem Talbott had built, now that Liem Talbott is a traitor. She simply claims a stall at whatever outpost she is occupying that day, moving around the island to oversee the occupation efforts and help where she can.
There is a stall for a wyvern at one of them, though. Claude's wyvern. She smells the creature immediately, she spies it from afar, but... as tempting as it is, she refuses to change her course just because Claude might appear there. In fact, she did not care at all if he were to do so. It was none of her business. Her debt was repaid, she wasn't delirious with need, he obviously... had plenty to occupy his time. He probably would not even show his face, he was probably helping out in Springstar or doing... doing something with those accursed Zenites-
But.
Hayame lingers near the stables, watching the large lizard preen it's leathery wings.]
Edited 2023-06-12 17:27 (UTC)
[Claude was... starting to get an inkling that maybe Hayame didn't hate him after all. She had listened to his second Communion, yes, but there had been no angry retort, or dismissal, or command to never talk to her again. She had listened, there had been that hot sensation, burning with something like--
But she was gone, already, too quickly.
Then there were the bedsheets, clear even without a note who they came from, and Claude wondered even as he traced his fingers over the fine gold thread of the embroidery whether it was a sign Hayame wanted to simply repay her debts and move on. It was a kind, thoughtful gesture all the same, and when Claude remade his bed, he thought of her warm back, her powerful shoulders, the way it felt to press himself close, as if he could somehow keep a much stronger being than him safe. In a way, he had, at least from the Blight.
And now this. He made a point to exercise his wyvern every day when he could, even with matters like the rebuilding effort and the ambassadors occupying more of his attention. Today he's geared up for more of the same, but stops dead in his tracks when he spies a familiar jinba nearby. Finally, after weeks of not seeing her, after only glimpses of Communion, she's standing there, watching Naira.]
Hayame?
[He calls to her, his heart in his throat, not getting closer yet lest she flees again.]
But she was gone, already, too quickly.
Then there were the bedsheets, clear even without a note who they came from, and Claude wondered even as he traced his fingers over the fine gold thread of the embroidery whether it was a sign Hayame wanted to simply repay her debts and move on. It was a kind, thoughtful gesture all the same, and when Claude remade his bed, he thought of her warm back, her powerful shoulders, the way it felt to press himself close, as if he could somehow keep a much stronger being than him safe. In a way, he had, at least from the Blight.
And now this. He made a point to exercise his wyvern every day when he could, even with matters like the rebuilding effort and the ambassadors occupying more of his attention. Today he's geared up for more of the same, but stops dead in his tracks when he spies a familiar jinba nearby. Finally, after weeks of not seeing her, after only glimpses of Communion, she's standing there, watching Naira.]
Hayame?
[He calls to her, his heart in his throat, not getting closer yet lest she flees again.]
[She had asked the soldiers stationed more permanently at this outpost how often the wyvern’s rider came by for it, and still… she had just assumed (hoped? feared?) that he would not come today. That was simply how her life worked. Realizing things too late to make them right, too proud to ask for help or easily admit defeat, too cold to merit the effort of warming.
But he comes.
In the next second, she has to strangle the tiny bursts of hope that had blossomed in her hearts, one, two, because… he hadn’t come for her, she had just stood in the path of his routine as if trying to leave it to fate as to whether they would meet again. Even after speaking to Akua, desperately spilling her inability to acknowledge the imperfect relationships she had formed in this place that was so wrong to begin with, even after the other woman’s counsel…
Her tail twitches. Her shoulders tense. She’d heard him call her name, and yet… she doesn’t turn around. She swallows, where he cannot see, summoning her strength and cold fire to-]
Your wyvern is restless.
[Cursing herself for not just saying “Hello, Claude.”]
But he comes.
In the next second, she has to strangle the tiny bursts of hope that had blossomed in her hearts, one, two, because… he hadn’t come for her, she had just stood in the path of his routine as if trying to leave it to fate as to whether they would meet again. Even after speaking to Akua, desperately spilling her inability to acknowledge the imperfect relationships she had formed in this place that was so wrong to begin with, even after the other woman’s counsel…
Her tail twitches. Her shoulders tense. She’d heard him call her name, and yet… she doesn’t turn around. She swallows, where he cannot see, summoning her strength and cold fire to-]
Your wyvern is restless.
[Cursing herself for not just saying “Hello, Claude.”]
That is what some friends do, yes. Some also fornicate, or cook a roast pig on a spit, tell jokes, and prepare to kill the next day. Some support each other though they make decisions that they do not agree with, and some split over that.
[ Friendship was...complicated, but Akua had felt the stirrings of it, at first even in Keter, and then to the Empire Ever Dark. She was a ghost, and the woman who killed her made overtures of friendship -- she knew now, it was forcing her to pay that ever long price that Callowans had always promised of anyone who wronged them. The long price, it seems, cut both ways, for had Catherine not also been injured by it?
She sighed. ]
Loyalty is complicated, Hayame. What do you mean by Loyalty? Did some of those that sided with Zenith betray you, or Meridian? They may have chosen differently, but I do not think all of those who side with the Zenites are evil, or wrong. After all, I'm here, and I am Evil. Therefore, there must be some who see the value in their ways.
If some of your friends chose otherwise, is it possible it was not you who they sought to betray? Is it possible that you were only one person in the entire tapestry? I would consider you in my decision, but if Meridian asked me to kill another hundred thousand souls to make our goals manifest, I do not think I could do so.
[ It's a sad smile, there. Hayame is... not a simple woman, but she sees some things simply. Akua understands this, oh gods below, did she. ]
It took me... longer than I would care to admit, to have a friend, Hayame. Long ago, I had sycophants and hangers on, and they would break their fingers for me, if I asked. Those were not my friends, and they betrayed me when it became difficult.
Do you know who was my friend? A woman who killed me. Twice. Who had her father kill my father. Who trapped me for years in her cloak, just so she could use me.
She forced me to see things differently. Friends are not those who will only choose you every time. They are people who challenge you. Whom you like to be challenged by.
[ Friendship was...complicated, but Akua had felt the stirrings of it, at first even in Keter, and then to the Empire Ever Dark. She was a ghost, and the woman who killed her made overtures of friendship -- she knew now, it was forcing her to pay that ever long price that Callowans had always promised of anyone who wronged them. The long price, it seems, cut both ways, for had Catherine not also been injured by it?
She sighed. ]
Loyalty is complicated, Hayame. What do you mean by Loyalty? Did some of those that sided with Zenith betray you, or Meridian? They may have chosen differently, but I do not think all of those who side with the Zenites are evil, or wrong. After all, I'm here, and I am Evil. Therefore, there must be some who see the value in their ways.
If some of your friends chose otherwise, is it possible it was not you who they sought to betray? Is it possible that you were only one person in the entire tapestry? I would consider you in my decision, but if Meridian asked me to kill another hundred thousand souls to make our goals manifest, I do not think I could do so.
[ It's a sad smile, there. Hayame is... not a simple woman, but she sees some things simply. Akua understands this, oh gods below, did she. ]
It took me... longer than I would care to admit, to have a friend, Hayame. Long ago, I had sycophants and hangers on, and they would break their fingers for me, if I asked. Those were not my friends, and they betrayed me when it became difficult.
Do you know who was my friend? A woman who killed me. Twice. Who had her father kill my father. Who trapped me for years in her cloak, just so she could use me.
She forced me to see things differently. Friends are not those who will only choose you every time. They are people who challenge you. Whom you like to be challenged by.
You sure she's not just unnerved by you standing there staring at her? [He jokes, and decides to approach, an easy smile on his face. Really, a battle-hardened beast like her won't be daunted by Hayame at all, and she's continuing to preen herself until she spots Claude, turning her scaled head towards them and letting out a low rumble of acknowledgement.
Hayame is apparently trying to play things cool, so Claude opts to do the same, walking right by her to approach his wyvern and pet her snout.]
Hey, cute stuff! Did you miss me?
[Definitely asking the wyvern and not Hayame. Yes.]
Hayame is apparently trying to play things cool, so Claude opts to do the same, walking right by her to approach his wyvern and pet her snout.]
Hey, cute stuff! Did you miss me?
[Definitely asking the wyvern and not Hayame. Yes.]
[Of course he jests. He was always doing that, and though she swore that she hated it, that it vexed her sorely even when it wasn’t hate…]
Tch-
[She will not dignify a joke with a serious answer. She will not. Of course it isn’t just because she is near, how could she unsettle such a large creature? It was because-
Because talking about the wyvern is far easier than talking about herself. About him. About… them.]
Why would she be missing you?
[It becomes more like a lie, an act, because she has heard from the soldiers here that Claude came often, but-]
Have you been neglecting her?
[If she had not been stood here… would he have send another message? Would he have come to speak with her in person- ?]
Tch-
[She will not dignify a joke with a serious answer. She will not. Of course it isn’t just because she is near, how could she unsettle such a large creature? It was because-
Because talking about the wyvern is far easier than talking about herself. About him. About… them.]
Why would she be missing you?
[It becomes more like a lie, an act, because she has heard from the soldiers here that Claude came often, but-]
Have you been neglecting her?
[If she had not been stood here… would he have send another message? Would he have come to speak with her in person- ?]
I don't know... [Claude continues casually, but he turns to look at Hayame directly now, and there's a serious look in his eyes behind the ever-present smile he can wear like a mask.] Do you think she feels neglected?
[He'd been here just yesterday, on top of having a retainer he employed to see to her when he wasn't around, so that was far from the truth. Really, he's asking something else entirely. Hayame had to be here for a reason, bothering to indulge this conversation at all instead of immediately leaving, so why...?]
[He'd been here just yesterday, on top of having a retainer he employed to see to her when he wasn't around, so that was far from the truth. Really, he's asking something else entirely. Hayame had to be here for a reason, bothering to indulge this conversation at all instead of immediately leaving, so why...?]
[There is a moment she cannot hide in which she looks like she did in that tunnel, right before she fled from the sudden and overwhelming revelation of emotions she’d never thought would ever, ever be leveled at her. Not in a million years, not in a million lifetimes.
But she locks her knees. She is not a coward (or maybe she is, about this, but she doesn’t want to be-), she has taken the choice, the chance, to stand here just in case he might pass by, and here he was-]
Are wyverns the type of creature that can be satisfied with an occasional word, no matter how gallant sounding?
[Her stance is proud and high, her arms crossed, but there is something vulnerable in her eye she wished wasn’t there. A care that should never have happened, if she were still the cold, unassailable warrior she had always striven to be, but…
She is not that person anymore.
And she doesn’t know whether that is good or bad, whether that will give her strength or make her weak, and until she understands…
Her brow furrows beneath the obscuring line of her leather eyepatch.]
But she locks her knees. She is not a coward (or maybe she is, about this, but she doesn’t want to be-), she has taken the choice, the chance, to stand here just in case he might pass by, and here he was-]
Are wyverns the type of creature that can be satisfied with an occasional word, no matter how gallant sounding?
[Her stance is proud and high, her arms crossed, but there is something vulnerable in her eye she wished wasn’t there. A care that should never have happened, if she were still the cold, unassailable warrior she had always striven to be, but…
She is not that person anymore.
And she doesn’t know whether that is good or bad, whether that will give her strength or make her weak, and until she understands…
Her brow furrows beneath the obscuring line of her leather eyepatch.]
[Maybe he was rubbing off on Hayame a little too much, for her to even bother to entertain this double conversation for as long as she has. Or maybe she, blunt and direct even as she is, finds misdirection easier as he does, for once. Still, she's here, and not leaving, or rejecting him outright despite all his fears telling him she would. His false smile fades, even as he feels like his heart is being seized in his chest. She is here, just as proud and stubborn as ever.]
Then... Let's talk. [He says it softly, his hand dropping from his wyvern as he faces her properly.] Though I assumed you didn't want to. Actually, I was pretty sure I'd scared you off for good.
[A wry smile, this one more honest, more vulnerable. Once again, he didn't know Hayame as well as he thought he did.]
Then... Let's talk. [He says it softly, his hand dropping from his wyvern as he faces her properly.] Though I assumed you didn't want to. Actually, I was pretty sure I'd scared you off for good.
[A wry smile, this one more honest, more vulnerable. Once again, he didn't know Hayame as well as he thought he did.]
[He is smiling, even as he has stripped away the pretense she had been shamefully content to hide behind. Her lips thin and the corners twitch downward, but she stiffens her expression to match the tense hold of her body and stops it before it can become a full frown. She doesn’t know why she bothers. Let him see how displeased she is, let him see what an unpleasant woman he has for some reason decided to care for-
She should refute the idea that she was scared off. It sounds so weak-]
I was not scared.
[But that protest is weak, and she fears that the lie is obvious, even without full awareness of how terrified she’d looked in the roots when he tried to press love and support into her hands. How pathetic she must have looked, how pathetic to put herself in his path now-
She is not breathing, and hadn’t noticed. Her fingers flex, sharp teeth suck and bite into her bottom lip, reluctant to talk even if it must be done to do away with the wrongness between them, all the mistakes he’d made in his thinking.]
- What did your first message say?
[A weakness, bared, to stall. (It’s not that she needs to know-)]
She should refute the idea that she was scared off. It sounds so weak-]
I was not scared.
[But that protest is weak, and she fears that the lie is obvious, even without full awareness of how terrified she’d looked in the roots when he tried to press love and support into her hands. How pathetic she must have looked, how pathetic to put herself in his path now-
She is not breathing, and hadn’t noticed. Her fingers flex, sharp teeth suck and bite into her bottom lip, reluctant to talk even if it must be done to do away with the wrongness between them, all the mistakes he’d made in his thinking.]
- What did your first message say?
[A weakness, bared, to stall. (It’s not that she needs to know-)]
[Unfortunately for her, the more she tries to hide her feelings, the more unpleasant she tries to make herself, the more she endears herself to him. They're birds of a feather, in a way: Claude just hid his feelings behind an easy smile and a joke instead of behind a glare and an angry word, and now he sees right through it.]
Oh, that one? [He casts his mind back.] I was asking if you were safe, since it was when we got back from the tree. And I said that if you needed help, I'd be there. I guess I didn't think about it all the way through, so... sorry about that.
[He takes a few steps closer, like he's testing the waters. Even now, it feels like the tenuous connection between them hangs by a thread, and he's not keen to tug on it too hard yet.]
Oh, that one? [He casts his mind back.] I was asking if you were safe, since it was when we got back from the tree. And I said that if you needed help, I'd be there. I guess I didn't think about it all the way through, so... sorry about that.
[He takes a few steps closer, like he's testing the waters. Even now, it feels like the tenuous connection between them hangs by a thread, and he's not keen to tug on it too hard yet.]
[If she was safe. If she needed help. He's sorry- she supposes, for not knowing she would not be able to parse his words. All of it just whirls around in her head, knocking around in her skull despite how still she seems.
She cannot say that she had almost called upon him more than once in the weeks since they had returned from the Tree. Because she was lonely. Because she was in heat. Because she wanted to know what his message had said. Because she had gotten used to him being around. ... She does not even want to admit it to herself. Even now, she struggles with wishing she had condemned him more aggressively beneath the roots, made him too afraid to even dare try to contact her again-
But he steps closer and she does not move. Not beyond a slight hint of a swallow that runs down her throat.]
The world did not end.
[They were still here. The tree was healthy again. The Blight was being cured. And with it... the desperation to confess things before it was too late. Time had been rewound, and yet... she still remembered what he'd said. Still remembered he'd said he'd not regret it.
She loses the rest of the words. The ones where she was going to ask him if she should do him the favor of forgetting something he'd surely only said in the heat of the moment.]
She cannot say that she had almost called upon him more than once in the weeks since they had returned from the Tree. Because she was lonely. Because she was in heat. Because she wanted to know what his message had said. Because she had gotten used to him being around. ... She does not even want to admit it to herself. Even now, she struggles with wishing she had condemned him more aggressively beneath the roots, made him too afraid to even dare try to contact her again-
But he steps closer and she does not move. Not beyond a slight hint of a swallow that runs down her throat.]
The world did not end.
[They were still here. The tree was healthy again. The Blight was being cured. And with it... the desperation to confess things before it was too late. Time had been rewound, and yet... she still remembered what he'd said. Still remembered he'd said he'd not regret it.
She loses the rest of the words. The ones where she was going to ask him if she should do him the favor of forgetting something he'd surely only said in the heat of the moment.]
Edited 2023-06-13 14:41 (UTC)
It didn't.
[He agrees, smiles brighter, relief melting his expression. They're fine, and he still has a chance to figure out some of the crazier suggestions he'd offered her. Not just going to her world, but fixing things there, and...
Well, that was a thought for the future. He needed to shut off all the ideas always rattling around in his head.
For now, he closes the distance between them, gently reaches, takes one of her hands in his.]
I might've been desperate back then, and I blurted things out sooner than I would have under ordinary circumstances... but I know how I felt. None of it was a mistake.
[He knows how happy he is now, seeing her safe and well after the Tree, seeing that she'd 'accidentally' put herself somewhere he might be. That maybe she did, after all, want to be near him.]
[He agrees, smiles brighter, relief melting his expression. They're fine, and he still has a chance to figure out some of the crazier suggestions he'd offered her. Not just going to her world, but fixing things there, and...
Well, that was a thought for the future. He needed to shut off all the ideas always rattling around in his head.
For now, he closes the distance between them, gently reaches, takes one of her hands in his.]
I might've been desperate back then, and I blurted things out sooner than I would have under ordinary circumstances... but I know how I felt. None of it was a mistake.
[He knows how happy he is now, seeing her safe and well after the Tree, seeing that she'd 'accidentally' put herself somewhere he might be. That maybe she did, after all, want to be near him.]
[Hayame does not stop him from taking her hand (his is warm, smoother than she expects from an archer), but he has only seconds before she rips it away again, clutching it to her chest almost defensively over where her shard rests in her sternum and her iliachtida lies tucked beneath the binding of her breasts. Her fluster crawls warm and flush up her neck and into her cheeks, her one dark eye darts back and forth to make sure none of the other soldiers at the outpost had been looking in their direction, but-
She doesn't leave. Her knees are still locked up, hocks quivering, hooves digging into the dirt.]
You do not know that.
[The words are hissed between them, already feeling as if she is losing control when she- she needs it, doesn't she? Without it-]
Just because you do not think it yet-
[She'd warned him, and he was still determined?]
She doesn't leave. Her knees are still locked up, hocks quivering, hooves digging into the dirt.]
You do not know that.
[The words are hissed between them, already feeling as if she is losing control when she- she needs it, doesn't she? Without it-]
Just because you do not think it yet-
[She'd warned him, and he was still determined?]
[He doesn't resist when he snatches her hand back, as if he expected that reaction, watching her evenly while she flusters.]
Who are you trying to convince, here? Ask yourself that honestly.
[All she had to say was that she didn't feel the same, and they could go their separate ways with no ill feeling on the matter. But this dancing around things, her seemingly nervous behaviours... That can't be it.
He drops his voice, low enough for only her to hear.]
...Do you think you're unlovable?
Who are you trying to convince, here? Ask yourself that honestly.
[All she had to say was that she didn't feel the same, and they could go their separate ways with no ill feeling on the matter. But this dancing around things, her seemingly nervous behaviours... That can't be it.
He drops his voice, low enough for only her to hear.]
...Do you think you're unlovable?
[Ask herself honestly? She doesn't want to. She has avoided being forthright even with the person she should be confiding in most, and yet he so strategically narrows down the issue to a single question. To two questions.
Why can she not just say "you"? Just live the lie that she is trying to convince him that he is wrong, make him realize that he has made a mistake when really-
Really-
Her face grows ruddier, her lips twist with the effort it takes to be silent despite her best efforts, and she wants- She wants to run away again. She had made a mistake, in standing around hoping she might see him, in thinking she was ready for this. She can't answer him, it takes everything she has just to mask the upset she feels with what she hopes looks like anger. Was she unlovable?]
I already told you-
[In the roots, in the dark. Hadn't she been clear enough? (No, no she hadn't, it had been so chaotic and their communions had bled together in a messy, oppressive spill of thoughts and visions.)
But she had tried to. She'd tried to tell him she had done horrible things in her life, that she was a creature that only existed because humans had bred her for battle and obedience or the bit and the saddle, that she was could only see her fate as one to die to cleanse her dishonor... and didn't that answer his question already?
... Must she say that she believes herself to be unlovable in so damnably plain a word as "yes"?]
Why can she not just say "you"? Just live the lie that she is trying to convince him that he is wrong, make him realize that he has made a mistake when really-
Really-
Her face grows ruddier, her lips twist with the effort it takes to be silent despite her best efforts, and she wants- She wants to run away again. She had made a mistake, in standing around hoping she might see him, in thinking she was ready for this. She can't answer him, it takes everything she has just to mask the upset she feels with what she hopes looks like anger. Was she unlovable?]
I already told you-
[In the roots, in the dark. Hadn't she been clear enough? (No, no she hadn't, it had been so chaotic and their communions had bled together in a messy, oppressive spill of thoughts and visions.)
But she had tried to. She'd tried to tell him she had done horrible things in her life, that she was a creature that only existed because humans had bred her for battle and obedience or the bit and the saddle, that she was could only see her fate as one to die to cleanse her dishonor... and didn't that answer his question already?
... Must she say that she believes herself to be unlovable in so damnably plain a word as "yes"?]
Page 8 of 14